Between knee injuries, car repairs, and letting life's responsibilities get in the way, my kids and I haven't been to church in about a month; it has definitely been too long. I don't think a person has to go to church to believe in God or to be spiritual, but for me, it's just one little thing that I do for me. I love my church. I believe Pastor Jeremy speaks to me through God. I know this is true because I always seem to get the message I need, even when sometimes I don't know I need it. Most weeks, I feel like he is talking directly to me. Have you ever heard something so random, that may not have even been intended for you, but it struck a chord or perhaps made the little hairs on the back of your neck stand up? I believe that is God getting our attention. Tonight was a great message, once again, one I needed to hear.
The topic was listed as "Ring Master - Making your Past Disappear"
Oh my, a circus theme. If I see a clown, I am out of here.
The band was incredible, as they always are. I knew we would be celebrating members choosing to put their faith and life in God's trusting hands and make it public through baptism. Awesome! My kids had both previously expressed a want to get baptized, so I kept them in the auditorium with me to witness this celebration. My kids got baptized when they were little, but I thought it was really cool that they were making a choice to do it for themselves. My daughter (like me) cheered them on. I think she just really liked having an excuse to be loud. I cry every time someone goes under the water and rises back up. My son, usually more reserved, was just taking it all in.
Back to the Message...Making your Past Disappear
We all have a past, but we don't all choose to carry it around with us like a weight on our back. I know it isn't healthy to carry around guilt from things I have thought, said, or done in my past. The fact is that I can not change a single thing. Have you ever used the expression, "I owned you!" or "I owned that?" Is that even still current lingo? I don't know. It basically means you crushed the opponent; in whatever it was. Pastor Jeremy, who has an amazing gift of being able to speak directly to me no matter how many people are in the room, started out by saying, "Sometimes our past has a way of owning us." Isn't that the truth!
I know there are things I have done in my life that I regret. Phone calls and visits I left undone, actions I took that hurt other people, choices I made without thinking about how I would be affecting "the other person." My mind tells me that it is all part of growing up, learning, maturing. However, my heart carries it around with me. No matter what good I do in my life, I still think about the not-so-good things as if God is sitting up there with a score sheet keeping tally of the good and the bad. He isn't. Santa Claus probably is.
Here is what I learned this evening. I don't have to "own" my past. I do, of course, take responsibility for everything, after all, I did it! If I were to give my sins over to Jesus, I wouldn't own them anymore. Here is the thing, I only need to ask for forgiveness and it is granted to me. God gave his only son so that I can live free, without guilt of things I can no longer change. Guilt makes me travel in the wrong direction; it pushes me away from God. Guilt driven sorrow leads me to regret, which locks me in failure. God driven sorrow leads me to redemption, which leads me to freedom. Here is what Pastor Jeremy told me to do:
Write it all down, everything
Make a list, no matter how short or long it may be.
Draw a line at the bottom.
Sign It...and hand it over to Jesus.
It is a deed, a contract. I am giving all my guilt, all my shame, and all my regret to Jesus. It is his to carry now, not mine. But, is it really that easy? Can I let go of all the things I have held on to for so, so long. I don't know. But I do know that I am going to try. One of the songs the band performed this evening had a line that instantly brought tears to my eyes (as it is again now because I am thinking about it).
"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about how much he loves me."
Don't take ownership, take responsibility. Sign over the deed of regret to Jesus. Tell yourself, as you repent, "I don't OWN my past anymore...and it doesn't OWN me. All we have to do is ask forgiveness, and we have it.
By the way, as we were leaving...we saw a clown. Creepy, and yes, we were so out of there!
God Bless.
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