My daily struggle...
One point that always seems to be emphasized at my wonderful church is how our actions trump our words. We want to be a community where what we do shows what we believe. Parishioners, including myself, faithfully to go church week after week and give because we want to make an impact in the community we live in and around the world. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I am making a difference in the lives of those around me. Sometimes I wonder if I am making a big enough difference in my own home.
I tell my children that family comes first. I tell them that no one will love them and always be there for them like family will. I tell them these things because I want the way they treat each other to mirror those ideas. But, in their eyes, I often wonder if my actions reflect those statements.
I am present. Most days I have the privilege to be able to work from home and I go to school online, but I worry about the lack of quality time I am able to give to my family right now. The man I choose to spend my life with and our children mean everything to me. My toddler has a new favorite movie, "Rise of the Guardians," that has been playing on a continual loop for several days now. I haven't seen it once. I have heard it, I have seen bits and pieces, but I have yet had the opportunity to snuggle up on the couch under a blanket and experience it with him. I feel like I am being selfish because my dreams are taking away from their experiences now. My kids will only be kids for a short time. My oldest is six short years away from being considered an adult. My older son is only eight years away and my little guy isn't so little anymore and the days of him wanting to hang out with me over anyone else are most certainly numbered.
I have mentioned before that this online semester has been exceedingly more demanding that I had expected. Every night and all of my days off from work are devoured doing schoolwork of one sort or another. I have yet to discover the super woman within me who can successfully handle everything: work, school, three kids and all of their needs, cooking, and cleaning. I want to be able to do it all, but it's a lot to balance on my own. I have very little help, the wonderful man in my life has a job that keeps him all over the map most of the time. He makes sacrifices every day to make sure that he can take care of his family. I admire how incredibly strong he is.
My mind tells me that pursuing my education is an important goal that I am not going to give up on or divert from just because things get harder. My heart tells me that I am giving up precious time with my children. It is a daily battle I torment myself with. I am very concerned about what I am taking away from my family during this extremely demanding process. They are the backbone of who I am and who I want to be. I feel like I am forcing them to miss out on me because I am putting in the necessary time to focus on being successful in school. My partner is much more understand than my children, of course. I hear these comments posed as questions far too often: when are you going to be done with that homework, why are you working again, didn't you already work today, how much homework do you have to do, and the list goes on.
I hope that my children, when they look back on this challenging time, will be able to recognize that I was doing the necessary things to provide us a more secure future. I hope they will see my determination and drive and know that life, among other things, involves sacrifice and that although we always have a choice, all choices are not ideal. I hope they see that I did the very best I could and that in the long run it all paid off. I hope that they will always feel the love and bond I feel for them and with them that will never go away.
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